I haven't written about all of the emotions. They flow from me, stop me up, overwhelm, build one upon the other until I don't know where they came from, which came 1st, which one is resolved, which one is breaking my heart and why. It is impossible to process them all at once, so impossible to be clear about any of them. They are hydras, chop off one head and another one appears. Forgive any errors in this post, it has been a long day (most of this typed on Wed. eve)
A common theme of this 3 week process that is called orientation (I am apt to name it disorientation) has been "midwife, come birth yourself" and that is what we are doing, all 12 of us, laboring through it all, swimming in the thickness of our emotions searching for the light, seeking to be born, sliding out slippery and vulnerable and crying bloody hell.
We are such incredible beings, each unique, talented, intelligent, wise, angry, revolutionaries who seek to preserve a way for women in the world. We are guardians, we are fierce...The fierceness can come out at inopportune times, the fierceness sometimes directed at each other. We are not yet at a 2 am shift, tired, hungry, irritable, having our moons at the same time. What will happen then?
If now we are sitting on our a*** in class and getting a bit irritable at each other, what will it be like when we are really fricking exhausted. Perhaps we are fricking exhausted, knowing today was the last day of dis-orientation, we let a bit of our shadow selves out to prowl the weaknesses in others.
God what to do with these emotions that I am swimming in. I feel unbelievably irritated at other's faults, and feel more guilty for being in affect of it. Stupid cycle of feeling something, then turning around and feeling guilty for feeling it. Isn't that the definition of madness?
Then there is the digging up of painful memories, before breast exams we discuss in depth the development of our self image, dredging up some things I think I have healed from. People sob, Kleenex goes around, you are fine, then someone else gives their story, you emote for them, you feel the same thing you just got done feeling for yourself. You can't figure out which yarn is yours, it's a tangled mess of different colored threads. A massive bundle of nerves, sadness, shame, guilt, fear...