http://birthnexus.blogspot.com/ is my next adventure...please take a peek

Monday, January 29, 2007

Uggggg......

In previous posts I had gone off on a vent of my evals...I was venting and was very much in my emotions and not in my thinking brain. Meaning I did not think how my words might affect other people. So I blogged, venting some frustration not realizing that I might hurt someone and I did.

I have had a lot of time to process those evals and the end it was my pride that was hurt, it still is, and so I vented. Not because the evals were inacurate, but because they were. It was difficult to deal with the feedback.

It is a tough line to tow, one which doesn't offend when you are offering up your rawness. I risked a lot and for that I am sorry. My intention was not to hurt but to get my frustrations out. I was too specific.

Those who read this blog should know that it was a momentary feeling that I let sit on the pages of this blog. I considered changing it awhile ago but I didn't.

I apologize, I really do, everyone at MLL is amazing and I have learned both from my positive and diffficult interactions. I have learned some humility but I have so very far to go in so many ways.

Some might say that I should not censur myself and on some things I think I shouldn't but when it is a shared experience, it is a difficult judgement to make ya know?

At any rate it is late and I need some sleep...

I feel like I share so much of the beauty of my experiences here, and that mainly is what is expressed here(I would say 95% is joy). Part of that beauty is the contrast, the difficulty of this hard work and the level of intimacy that you have, the beauty of serving as a midwife, the priviledge of learning.

5 comments:

lola coca-cola said...

This is your space. You are obviously going through a lot and sometimes venting is a healthy part of processing. And knowing you are responding from ego can help you to respond from your heart the next time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

-M said...

Ahhh! I hope that you can feel free to vent and be emotional in this, your space online.

I think you are in such a challenging place right now, and I can't imagine not having a completely free space to write and reflect.

I don't think we "readers" can see any more of the shared experience than we get from reading your writings, but even there we each see in a different window.

Tough call to make.
I hope you don't feel badly for expressing yourself at a moment in time... just as in labour, it is what it is in that moment in time. Not to say it will be that way forever.

Anonymous said...

its not about censoring yourself, Sunshine, its about ahving the self discipline to keep your "venting" about you, what is coming up for you and not laying opinions or projections about other people out there...that is the fine line and the art of communication and relationship. I think we have to perfect this as MWs too, so we can, over time, see with clarity what is ours and what is not....and in this way we tread lightly, without hurting others and without needing to censor ourselves.

Sunshine said...

Yes, how very wise of you! Separating those two things is difficult. Parts of me believe that it is all about me (not in the self-centered way)...it never really is about the other person but how I "dream" my world, how I perceive, and especially how I choose to react. One of the 4 agreements is "Never take anything personally" and I struggle with that because the only point of reference is my experience. I cannot feel what another feels or fully understand someone's intentions.

At any rate this whole experience has been very productive(for me, can't speak for others!) overall. It has allowed a forum for opening and growing in my relationships with everyone.

In the end, for me, I feel that it opened up a whole lot of dialog and communication that was productive.

I am awed by my sisters and their ability to open up and speak their mind as well as their ability to love and open up their hearts in acceptance.

Babylady said...

If you're still out there I'd love to get some info from you on MLL and doing it with a family.
I'm especially interested in the Montessori school and the general cost of living for you.
thanks!!
Camie