3 months Later

So many people are asking for updates!

Could it possibly have gone by so quickly? Could I now be home, struggling with my NARM application, getting homework done, dotting my i's and crossing my t's, making sure that everything is in place?

Some reality twist I have been through in the last 8 weeks. I haven't bleached anything in awhile. I haven't stood in circle at 8am going over the day before and discussing how many times the doorbell rang last night. I haven't listened to a baby's heartbeat in 8 weeks. I haven't heard the llanto of of newborn except in passing in the grocery store. I have spoken Spanish, but Castillano, to one of my friends. and to the criadas at the park who care for the neighborhood toddlers.

Sigh... I am back to being agringada.

I struggle with not feeling quite in my skin. I miss El Paso, I miss the clinic. I miss the kids school. I miss my sisters, who I could say anything to.

I have sisters here thank goodness, but they do not know what I have been through in the past year.

They are busy with their lives and children as I am. They are busy plugging on with daily tasks and chores. They are busy living the southern California life. Sometimes that means pretending that life is giving you the substance that you crave.
I am sure that feeling is universal, not unique to Southern California. At least I keep telling myself that.

I thought that having time to myself would be satisfying, but sometimes time stretches in front of me like a very lonely road. I miss being absorbed in the craziness. Making your own schedule and sticking to it can be daunting.

On the other hand I had a nightmare that I got in trouble for not giving someone a "consult" to an OB for constipation. If you have worked in the clinic you will find that funny.

I am being a bit melodramatic here, but it is complicated, life is hard in general I think when you are in transition.

I have been in transition for awhile and I am so very tired of that feeling that I have many hurdles still to cross. NARM, California Challenge, Homework, Applying for my License. It will take another 3 months to complete all of that. Meanwhile I am readjusting to being a full time mother and helping my children to integrate the last year, keeping up a household (poorly I might add), working on a lovely sailboat that needs tremendous TLC, and renewing relationships in my life that I had neglected.

Poor me huh? Really don't believe it for a minute. I spent the week on the bay, socializing, playing with my kiddos, eating too much, laughing a lot, sleeping 9 hours a night. The most strenuous thing I did was walk 20 minutes to an artisan bakery in Point Loma and sip coffee while eating walnut whole wheat bread with butter and jam. My life is incredible right now really. I am just a bit wobbly.

Having choices and privileges can be lovely and can create lots of anxiety. I am exceptionally grateful for my life right now. I am exceptionally grateful for my experiences the past year. I needed to stop and take inventory of what I have.

Thanks for listening. Now my dear sister midwives if you read this.......COME VISIT, salty air is good for the soul.