I have been tagged.....

I have been tagged, playing a silly and kinda enjoyable blogspere game...a fellow blogger and midwife has tagged me so here it goes. It goes deeper with every post so read...you might be a bit surprised.

(should I really publish this?)
DISCLAMER

These are thoughts I think often and people ask me why I even write but why not? Our culture is so reserved, we are so guarded, we stay in our little bubbles, we try not to let others see our weaknesses. Truthfully others could take this information and make fun of me but really the only person that could hurt me is me. I suppose I could lose some friends but...well you know the answer to that.

8 SECRETs (or things most people don't know about me....)

1. Right now I have probably about 100 hrs of stacked up homework that could have been somewhat completed if I had just taken out more time when my kids were in school to do so. Now it is a looming monsterous pile of procrastination.

2. What I do to procrastinate...guilty pleasure? Uggg...sometimes I play lame silly computer games. When I start doing that, I know I am in deep, am seriously avoiding something in my life.

3. I am currently using the electronic babysitter (named KPBS kids) to make this list. Some of the purists I know would be shocked at my use of TV and videos right now to just get a few minutes to myself.

4. Sometimes I am shocked by the thoughts that I have about my fellow sisters. I sometimes think very mean things about them....my brain goes on automatic teenage girl at times and is very bitchy. It is usually at the end of the day, when someone is avoiding doing list or avoiding doing a difficult cita. Or I am avoiding doings something that involves bleaching or taking out the trash or filing. Compassion flies out the window and I want to throttle someone. I try to control my bitchy brain so that dumb things don't fly out of my mouth. Sometimes I can, sometimes I indulge the thoughts. Sorry sisters, I try, but my evil self sometimes gets the best of me.

5. I used to think that I was really stupid...I got S on every single category on my report card... I was put into the special catch up reading program in elementary school. I got C's all the way through high school. I still have learning problems, I just recently learned to read a map well. Sometimes I struggle with directions, r and L, anterior and posterior(not good to get confused with that in midwifery school but i am working with that). If you tell me something orally, especially how to do something complicated, like say how to suture, I want to cry. You have to stand behind me and show me step by step, don't tell me out loud, it will confound my brain. If you ask me to draw something, you will laugh, guarantee, you will want to laugh even if you do not do so out loud.

I am really smart on paper, I am really good with languages, I am a fantastic teacher, I am quite artistic (not with drawing). I am wonderful with other things, it just takes me a bit of time to learn certain things... I eventually learn them on my own terms.

6. I grew up very poor, like no running hot water, leaky roof, screens instead of glass windows, DIRT POOR. Mostly caused by parental alcoholism, addiction, etc...Ever read Bastard Out of Carolina? That book pretty much sums up my childhood. It was a brutal. I feel like it was not me who experienced that but it was you know. People who have "overcome" childhoods like that are called surviors.

7. 10 + years of therapy didn't hurt either, well maybe it did hurt a bit. Sometimes therapy is painful, sometimes therapy leads you to believe that you can separate yourself and overcome things like that, to the point that you overcompensate and want to be perfect. Like white picket fence perfect...I strived for much of my life to be white picket fence perfect and still do sometimes. I am materialistic and still trying to make up for being poor by having a nice house and nice car and nice things knowing full well these are superficial longings that cover up a deep insecurity.

8. I love the idea of giving up all my possesions and sailing off into the sunset. That dream is very close to being realized...

SEE HERE (and for my dear friends this is not a secret) WWW.SAILMAKANIKAI.COM