Vessel..

As I get closer and closer to the end, the end of the beginning at least, I meditate on what kind of midwife I will be.

And just last night I was asked to have a blessing ready for one of my private clients for her blessingway.

It struck me as a profound honor...and it struck me as quite extraordinary that it was mine to give...Finding myself in a place like that is...

A blessing.

A long time ago (almost 4 years)I attended a seminar with many midwives and doulas. Part of that seminar was to set an intention for the future.

My intention was simple. I wanted to be a vessel for the strength of women. At the time I envisioned it to mean birth...

that I would meet women where they were in their journey to birth, and provide what they needed to find their strength and their way through those moments.

And daily I ponder what that means, daily I renew that commitment to women, but it expands to mean all families that I have the privilege to attend.

It expanded to encompass...

Every time I touch a belly

Every time I listen to fetal heart tones.

Every time I do a Pap (yes it can be quite empowering for women when they are in control of the experience)

Ever time I listen....to a question, to a complaint, to a fear, to a joyful 1st cry of a newborn.

Birth is the lovely reward, birth is quite a gift for the midwife. I have found that being a midwife can be quite ego pleasing in those moments. You can get addicted to the reward, the love that flows from people in those moments, the joy of being in those situations, and the gratitude for your presence.

For some women it is the 1st time in their live that a care provider has showed them a measure of respect.

I say that birth is the icing and the care you give is the sustenance( ok the cake :)

While that is ok to soak in that gratitude. I have seen many midwives live on that sugary reward.

So this post is a bit of a wandering yarn at this point but if you are reading, I think I am coming to my point.

I still hold that intention, to be the vessel. To meet families where they are at, to listen, to let their energy guide the interaction prenatally, in the labor and birth, and postpartum.

I have ideas, I have information and lots of it, I have fears and reservations, I have lots of stories, I have lots of things I put meaning into, I have imperfections (some would say too many).

But...somewhere in all of what I am, there is a place of emptiness. There is a place to allow other peoples wishes, desires, fears, strengths, stories too to guide my hands and heart to be exactly what is needed in the moment. Whatever that is.

After all the information and experiences I have had this year, that is still my intention, putting it out there in this place is a renewal of that.

May I always be grateful to be in the position...

to listen
to touch a belly (always with permission)
to listen to heart tones
to listen to fears
to have a fathers or mothers hands (not mine) to be the 1st to touch a babies head as it crowns
to be there when a complication arises and my hands are needed
to give lab results that are perfect, and imperfect
to help someone grieve

and all those other things that midwives do.

What a place to be in? Very ripe with responsibility but a place where you can allow the strength of the people for whom you provide that care, to guide you to do what is needed in each moment. Sigh.....

rules of being tagged

RULES - Post rules before giving the facts - Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves - People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules - At the end of the your blog you need to tag six people and list their names - Leave them a comment on their blog, telling them they have been tagged and not to forget to read your blog.

who I tagged?

Durafemina

http://meconiumhappens.blogspot.com/

Mama Midwife Madness

another mama midwife

A womb of her own

My profound friend Ariel

I have been tagged.....

I have been tagged, playing a silly and kinda enjoyable blogspere game...a fellow blogger and midwife has tagged me so here it goes. It goes deeper with every post so read...you might be a bit surprised.

(should I really publish this?)
DISCLAMER

These are thoughts I think often and people ask me why I even write but why not? Our culture is so reserved, we are so guarded, we stay in our little bubbles, we try not to let others see our weaknesses. Truthfully others could take this information and make fun of me but really the only person that could hurt me is me. I suppose I could lose some friends but...well you know the answer to that.

8 SECRETs (or things most people don't know about me....)

1. Right now I have probably about 100 hrs of stacked up homework that could have been somewhat completed if I had just taken out more time when my kids were in school to do so. Now it is a looming monsterous pile of procrastination.

2. What I do to procrastinate...guilty pleasure? Uggg...sometimes I play lame silly computer games. When I start doing that, I know I am in deep, am seriously avoiding something in my life.

3. I am currently using the electronic babysitter (named KPBS kids) to make this list. Some of the purists I know would be shocked at my use of TV and videos right now to just get a few minutes to myself.

4. Sometimes I am shocked by the thoughts that I have about my fellow sisters. I sometimes think very mean things about them....my brain goes on automatic teenage girl at times and is very bitchy. It is usually at the end of the day, when someone is avoiding doing list or avoiding doing a difficult cita. Or I am avoiding doings something that involves bleaching or taking out the trash or filing. Compassion flies out the window and I want to throttle someone. I try to control my bitchy brain so that dumb things don't fly out of my mouth. Sometimes I can, sometimes I indulge the thoughts. Sorry sisters, I try, but my evil self sometimes gets the best of me.

5. I used to think that I was really stupid...I got S on every single category on my report card... I was put into the special catch up reading program in elementary school. I got C's all the way through high school. I still have learning problems, I just recently learned to read a map well. Sometimes I struggle with directions, r and L, anterior and posterior(not good to get confused with that in midwifery school but i am working with that). If you tell me something orally, especially how to do something complicated, like say how to suture, I want to cry. You have to stand behind me and show me step by step, don't tell me out loud, it will confound my brain. If you ask me to draw something, you will laugh, guarantee, you will want to laugh even if you do not do so out loud.

I am really smart on paper, I am really good with languages, I am a fantastic teacher, I am quite artistic (not with drawing). I am wonderful with other things, it just takes me a bit of time to learn certain things... I eventually learn them on my own terms.

6. I grew up very poor, like no running hot water, leaky roof, screens instead of glass windows, DIRT POOR. Mostly caused by parental alcoholism, addiction, etc...Ever read Bastard Out of Carolina? That book pretty much sums up my childhood. It was a brutal. I feel like it was not me who experienced that but it was you know. People who have "overcome" childhoods like that are called surviors.

7. 10 + years of therapy didn't hurt either, well maybe it did hurt a bit. Sometimes therapy is painful, sometimes therapy leads you to believe that you can separate yourself and overcome things like that, to the point that you overcompensate and want to be perfect. Like white picket fence perfect...I strived for much of my life to be white picket fence perfect and still do sometimes. I am materialistic and still trying to make up for being poor by having a nice house and nice car and nice things knowing full well these are superficial longings that cover up a deep insecurity.

8. I love the idea of giving up all my possesions and sailing off into the sunset. That dream is very close to being realized...

SEE HERE (and for my dear friends this is not a secret) WWW.SAILMAKANIKAI.COM