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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Grief part 3

MY FATHER’S body

Is ashes now…I had to fax a note to Nakamura’s mortuary. It said this “This note authorizes Nakamura’s mortuary to creamate the body of Walter McAnally.”

I spelled cremate wrong.
That is so far the only part that I have in the transition of his body to spirit.

The last time I held his hand was in August. Brad and I flew to him, he said he was sick so we went to see him. He would not tell us what was wrong, mumbled something about Rehad, needing to get off of the sauce. He could not drink and live at the same time.
Apparently the drink was more important than his life.

I am so glad that I followed my gut and said goodbye. When I drove away from his Lahaina house, I knew that it was goodbye. His closest companion didn’t seem to think
So, his boss seemed to think he would choose to live somehow.
Oh crap, this story is probably going to far.

But you can see friends who requested that I update my blog, that grief has anger in it too.

It sucks to be angry at someone who is gone. I know, I know, it is part of grieving but it still sucks.

I know my body relives the first abandonment at 3 years old when my mother left him, and he fled to Maui. I didn’t see him for 15 years…I don’t remember that 3 year old me and the grief that must have generated.

But I feel it, somewhere it is buried in me, it is resurfacing.

And I think that is Universal, when someone dies, all the unfinished business, all of the memories, good and bad come up. The “proper” thing is to let go and remember only the good, to smile and cry and grieve the loss of the person. The truth is though that you are grieving your own personal losses, every one of them comes up again.

The losses are like a can of shaken soda, the cap comes off and the bubbles explode out.
All of the emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly…

4 comments:

emjaybee said...

I lost my father when I was 20; it was sudden too, and he'd been sick a long time (without telling us, but we knew). It's not the same as your grief, they're all different, but I'll tell you what I needed to hear at the time; the pain will pass. It will be very bad for far longer than you want it to...but it will pass. I don't really stop missing him, some times more than others, but I don't ache and feel that numbness and shattered feeling anymore. You will heal. But don't be afraid to be broken for however long that you need to be.

herbert752 said...

Grief has been studied, and one found that there are five stages. It begins with denial, next is barganing (I'll make you a deal, God, if you fix this I'll....?), two more that I can't remember (what does that say), then acceptance. It can all happen in seconds (the lost pencil), or can take a lifetime.

The parts you describe are perfectly normal. That the death should bring back all the supressed memories is perfectly understandable. Since fear of death is so huge in our lives (by far the big number one fear), being confronted with death would be the most tramatic. The loss of a parent with so much unfinished work would either be supressed, or cause for life change.

The only thing I know for sure is that the way out is through. The best words I've read were to embrace the loss, submerge yourself in it, find all its corners and causes, and make them your own. You may be grieving your loss of innosence and opportunity to get it all right as much as the loss of the person.

You are not alone in this journey of life. Reach out to those who want to help you. They do not see it as your weakness that you seek help, but your strength.

with love

Herb

ariel said...

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Those stages make up grief. And my experience, though very very different, has been this:

If time is kind, I wake up everyday and experience all five stages by the time I hit my shower. But some days it's harder, you get stuck.

I don't know your feelings or your loss, but like Herb said, You're not alone.

I'm glad to see you writing again. Especially about your journey. Emotions are beautiful.

Love.

Sunshine said...

Thank you all for the words and thoughts...I forget that I don't go at this alone.
Lots of love
Sunshine