The fullness of the moment

My very sweet man brought home this cake last night. I wanted to open the bottle of champagne but we decided chocolate might be wiser.
Really there is no new thing to celebrate, but as days go by I feel like I am growing, expanding, learning and experiencing joy that I never thought was possible. I am moving beyond judging to being in the moment. It is quite an awakening to be capable of doing this and brings fullness to my life.

Things are tough yes, so very very difficult. I get tired and cranky, it is hard work, things unfold at MLL that I don't always agree with. There is such beauty in the clinic too and the families there. I will share some of these moments in a bit. 1st here is a quote that I sniped (with permission) off of the BFW mentor board from Isabel Hoskins:

"All of life and self being in HARMONY with the Tao and/or God's Plan/Love, whatever term one comes to, is quite different to me than saying it is all good. It is moving beyond good and bad and am embracing the FULLNESS of all that exists, that within violence and oppression and horror their is also light and love and beauty and it is impossible to ever really separate out the distinction, where one ends and the other begins or the cause and effect. In the end we are left with the events and though we may define them on the surface as "bad" did they not bring us where we are today, to the gifts we know and claim? We can never seperate it. It just becomes what IS, which is an embracing of the Harmony that is the Way. To move beyond good birth/bad birth, right birth/wrong birth, good self/bad self/, and see that perhaps such terminology is, though understandable, forever limiting for ourselves and experience. - there is great power here. "

I couldn't have said it better really.

Only to be awoken 45 minutes later....

A continuation of the last post...

...only to be awoken 45 minutes later. I was in a dream still I thought as I helped the room set up for a mom who was at 8cm after her labor check. She entered the room saying "Ay quiero empujar" I glanced at her face and wondered what magic had brought her into my life for my 1st catch. This woman was stunning, filled with that incredible light and energy that gets a baby out. She was flushed from her work, skin glistening,the picture of perfection with this dad who was also smitten with her glow. Selma Hayek meets Aztec godess...

This was an instance where I literally just caugh the baby. She laid down and after a few pushes, this child litteraly launched out of her. I had my hands out to receive as the baby was crowning, looked up at her to say "sople, sople" to let the perinuem stretch a little. That second of looking away to her face, the baby came out with this popping sound and launched into my hands. If they hadn't been there, I think that little man would have hit my chest. I fumbled a bit and placed little Jesus Abraham on her belly. The staff midwife looked at me and said "did you hear that?" Yes, was my reply," what was that?" " Shoulders" was her reply. I am still wrapping my head around that one, not sure what that was, I think perhaps just pressure of fluid behind him that helped him on his way. He surfed into the world. Hang ten little guy.

This family was so lovely, 1st words out of dad's mouth were. "Your service is so much better here!" which gave us all a laugh. Their last baby had been born in Juarez and 3 years later mom still had pain from her epis (she had to be sutured again for this birth and had torn on the same line)

Dad was so exited, he wanted to see the placenta, the chord-its vessels, he was a litinay of questions for the rest of the night (even at 3am)

It was nice really, all perfect, the placenta came on its own, 3/4c blood loss. Baby latched right away. Etc, etc, etc....

Whew.

Adelante-2 shifts later

A photo of Ali'i beach(in the town I grew up in) on a calm day
I was a beach baby and learned to negotiate the tides and waves of the ocean well. I learned to swim in Waikiki in those calm waters and as I grew was drawn into the wilder shores of the North Shore (Rocky point, Waimea, Haleiwa Reef/Ali'i Beach). There is a thrill to just being in that water, not surfing it, but riding the waves in the shallows before they break. The secret to those waves is letting your body flow with their energy. You don't struggle to keep your feet on the sandy bottom, don't jump over them, turn your back or panic, you just give your body a little push as they come near and you will be carried over and gently down. It is a nice flow, an ocean cradle rocking you up and over, a weightless experience of surrender.
That is exactly what I have had to do for the last week, surrender to the mystery of birth and all of its wave like action and especially to the MLL birth energy. I was 1st up on Friday and there was a woman in good active labor who was transported for high fetal heart tones...so ended up at the hospital with the family helping to negotiate that experience.

After I came back from there (only 1 person allowed in the room with her at Thomason) Another beautiful mother walked in with premature rupture of membranes. I supported her and her husband through the night, but alas she wasn't going to birth on my shift. I stayed anyway for her birth and got to assist. It was one of the most gorgeous births, no vaginal exams, spontaneous urge to push, standing and rocking through each contraction with tears running down her face. Sigh... such beauty in that intensity.

Next shift I was still 1st up and the only one to not have caught a baby out of the class. A woman had come in at 8 am with light contractions, already exhausted from 2 days of labor and at 4cm. She had lots of family support so I just did 30 minute rounds of heart tones for the day, as the day wore on you could see her exaustion more and more though it seemed to me things were progressing well. She was beginning to get crazy stabbing pains in her back and I could see that baby was posterior (there was a lot of kicking and punching toward the front of her belly). She was checked and at 5 cm after 6 hours of labor. I got busy trying different positions, lunges, side lying, hands and knees, standing, dancing, rocking, robozo. At 8pm she was checked again and her cervix had not changed. Oy poor mama, because of Mll protocols, we had to transport. The family wanted to go by car so she signed a waiver and followed me. I stayed with that family for a few hours and helped them understand the ins and outs of hospital. She birthed that morning by cesarean. The baby was indeed strait OP. I think more than anything she was exahusted.

I was still on shift though after I returned at 11pm, and still up to catch so I went to sleep only to be awoken 45 minutes later....

Born in the Caul

Before I entered this program I had a pretty clear picture of who I wanted to be as a midwife. It is evolving, this idea, changing so quickly. I have seen some amazing things these past weeks, some things that downright scare me as well. I feel very human and very vulnerable right now and I can't quite pinpoint the anxiety source, it comes from many places of insecurity.

Tomorrow morning I am back on shift, I am first up to catch, it will be my 1st catch and I want it to be gentle. Is that too much to ask? I am trying to focus on what I would like to experience, instead of what I don't want to experience as I know if I focus on what could go wrong. If I focus on what I don't want I am liable to end up with just that.

The very 1st catch in our group of students was a lovely gentle birth of a baby the day before yesterday. It was born in the caul. Could that be a better sign? Being born in the caul is supposed to be good luck. I imagine the baby blinking its eyes, still present in its aquatic world, cushioned from bright lights and loud voices by fluid, gently the midwife made a hole in the bag at the chin and pulled the delicate membrane up and over its head. It takes its first breath gently. I have yet to see a baby born in an intact amniotic sac, I would have liked to have been there.

I would like a little of this, a little good luck, a gentle birth into midwifery. This feels like a big deal you know, but in some ways it isn't, it is just one part of all of this process. One tiny part. Being a midwife is so much more than supporting a perineum. I make a joke frequently that catching a baby isn't difficult. Really-babies come out without midwives all over the world(and without any other health professional). Just make sure the baby doesn't fall to the ground, that is all it should be. I feel like there shouldn't be a need for glory, a woman should never say "I couldn't have done this without you." Yes she could have and she would have.

As I write I am identifying my anxiety. A long time ago I made a pledge that I would be a vessel for the strength of women, nothing else. A vessel is a place to hold something temporarily, it really gets no glory. I am ashamed that I am seeing this 1st catch as a time to prove myself. There are many people watching me as I unfold in this new role. What I really want for this time is to be alone with it. I don't want anyone watching or evaluating. I don't want it to be about me and my abilities. I want it to be about the family, the woman, the baby, the dad if he is there, the grandmother, the aunt, whoever is in the room. I want to trust that all would have unfolded normally had I not been there.

Mll doesn't operate this way, I will have someone whispering over my shoulder about where to put my hands and what to say as the baby comes. It is a paradigm that is not wrong, just different, and so I have to shift a little in my expectations. I feel that my expectations should be that there are no expectations, and so I will go with the flow wether that flow is a transfer to the hospital, a baby born in the caul, a precipitious birth, a long labor. Whatever it is, it just is and there is no changing that, no forming it to my needs. The only thing I can be is present.

How is that for waxing philisophical. I feel better

Sleep

I had a full nights sleep last night at the clinic, no doorbells ringing, no phone calls, no women walking in for labor checks, no middle of the night mammas pushing as they ring the doorbell. Wow!

Of course normally I would be estatic, but last night I was 1st up for my 1st catch.

So instead I awoke at 6am, had my ritual cup of coffee (later everyone asked what madness had gripped me to wake up at that ungodly hour) and stared at the piles of bleached laundry, walked outside to see the sun cast its light on the earth colored buildings across the street and just breathed in all the beauty that comes with morning silence.

No toddlers asking for the tv to be turned on, no lunches to make, toys to step on, dishes waiting in the sink. Silence, simple pure silence. And me alone with it for an hour, shaking off the nights sleep. Sigh....Sigh...let me do that again...sigh.

Anyone out there?

I am stumped, having an itch at the tip of my fingertips to write but not so clear about what to say. I have been wondering if people are reading my blogs or if I am being narcissistic for no reason at all. My friends and family read but don't comment online but send me nice little messages.

A dear friend wrote to me saying this:

"I’m checking your blogs from time to time. It sounds like you’re still falling down a rabbit hole into a strange world, in which the extremes of your endurance and emotions are tested on an hourly basis. My heart races when I read them. They are breathless and engaging. And I start missing you for all the wonderful qualities you have and bring to a friendship. But there is a beautiful logic in the fact that you now bring these qualities to the women and babies at MLL. It’s like a piece of a puzzle is falling into its place."

and so I am restored, someone is listening!

BTW that is a hedgehog, just thought it needed acknowledgment too. Isn't it cute?